An Introduction to Craziness
Updated: Oct 1, 2020
I have struggled with my mental health my entire life, but I don't like to admit it. It has impacted everything I've done, everyone I've loved, it has touched so many areas of my life, but I don't like to admit it. Isn't it weird that something so interwoven in my life is something I've pushed away so consistently? I don't want to be known as crazy. I don't want to be seen as having an illness, but here I am, pouring my heart and soul out to others who may feel the same.
The truth is that everyone is on the spectrum of crazy, it just depends on what end you are on. Some are on the low end and some are on the high end. For example, if you feel a little sad if a coworker reminds you of the way your mom's criticizing tone made you a little insecure as a child, you are more than likely on the low end. Still trauma, but a small trauma that is easily dealt with. Some hallucinate that people are trying to kill them and nowhere is safe...that would be on the high end of the spectrum. Being schizophrenic, for instance, would require more involved treatment.
I feel like I am somewhere in the middle. I'm a traumatized girl with bipolar disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ptsd. I have had pretty extreme issues with life, and some that have been more easy to overcome. I have had to live with the memories of the embarrassing things I have done to try to self-medicate. I have abused drugs and alcohol and again, embarrassed myself. I have had panic attacks over the most trivial of things and felt so stupid and sad afterwards. I have endured the reality that not everyone has my reality, more times than I would like to admit.
The first issue, when I violently entered the world from a violent upbringing, was anxiety. I was literally afraid of everything. I felt sick to my stomach the majority of the time and my interactions with people were horrible. I started college right out of high school and also started my first real full time job. I suffered. I think suffer is being nice, I felt tormented over every single thing in my life. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Anybody with severe anxiety and panic will understand. The fear of getting dressed, afraid to speak or acknowledge strangers and sometimes friends, fear of calling someone on the phone, appearing very introverted or extremely extroverted, getting angry over things people couldn't understand, etc.
This blog is not just about my mental health battles, but how I have managed to lasso those wild feelings and beat them into submission. I have funny stories, weird situations, and hopefully useful advice to share. I want to share with you my daily thoughts and struggles from a perspective on someone who takes handfuls of medications at a time, has tried strange therapies that include standing on my head, and a person who has ultimately ended up in a safe and happy place.