• Carrie

Consumed by Anger

Updated: Oct 15, 2020

The weird part about anger is that it is normally rooted in fear. For example, if someone cuts you off while driving you get angry because you might have wrecked and gotten hurt. Another cause of anger can be sadness. When you are sad or lonely, the feeling can become so overwhelming that it morphs into anger. Anger can be a defense mechanism that protects us from all the things that may want to hurt us. This was how my anger problem started.

My anger problem started in high school. I had been hurting and suffering for so long that the pain mutated into anger. I listened to angry music. Drew and painted angry pictures. Wrote angry stories. The sadness/depression and chaos I felt in life was too much to bear. The fear and hurt turned into something that would never feel pain again; anger.

I used my anger like an impenetrable shield. I had opened my heart up so many times and gotten so badly hurt that I decided I was going to keep my emotions off limits. I put a wall so thick around my heart I couldn't even love myself. I decided that I wasn't going to trust anybody ever again. I completely isolated myself for years to keep away the pain. Imagine how hard that is when the pain is inside you. I was desperately trying to numb myself. Alcohol and drugs...anything that would help me escape, but my anger was still my biggest line of defense.

I didn't know until I was much older that all my anger was because of my pain. I didn't question why I felt angry, only that it must have just been a part of my personality. I mean I am an Aries so I figured it was normal. But as I began to delve cautiously into the world of intimate relationships I realized that the wall I put up was harder to knock down than I thought. I finally had met someone I felt like I could trust and my anger kept pushing him away, protecting me whenever I no longer needed protection.

It was sad that my childhood didn't prepare me for the world, it only taught me how to defend myself against it. The trick was learning that not everything is out to get me. I had to learn to let go of that anger, piece by piece, so I can be happy.

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