• Carrie

Feeling Worthless

I am currently in EMDR therapy and had my second session yesterday. If you're not familiar with EMDR, just know that it deals with working on reprocessing trauma and is typically used for the treatment of PTSD (I would highly suggest looking it up, it's very interesting). During the first couple of sessions I had to really lay out the trauma in my life. It was very difficult to do, each session was pretty exhausting, but during the last visit we uncovered a central theme of what I felt and what reinforced those feelings.

If you have ever felt worthless than you know it is a horrible feeling. After a long discussion about the things that have happened in my life I realized something about myself. I am so judgmental of myself it is ridiculous. I have been beaten down for so long, both emotionally and physically that I have internalized the idea that I am worthless. I have been taught that anything I do is not good enough, that I have to be a certain way in order to be worthy of love and affection. I never lived up to anyone in my life's standards, whether they realized it or not.

I think the worst part about feeling worthless, especially as a young girl, is the vulnerability it brings. I was vulnerable to predators because I had no self worth. I was like a lamb being surrounded by lions with no Shepard to protect me. I had no idea that I could just be loved for who I was and what I did, so anyone who showed me attention made me feel more than special. I was very naive because I was never taught to love myself or accept myself in any way. I fell into the hands of some pretty awful guys this way...who put me through more trauma, that made me feel even more worthless.

The point of all this is that, even though I have grown up, I still have a deep rooted insecurity of worthlessness. I judge every part of my life and make myself miserable trying to live up to an imaginary standard. It is terrible to have distorted thoughts like this. I know where they originated but sometimes they take over subconsciously and I start to mentally hold myself down and kick my own ass. If you are a parent, remember that it is important to teach your children to love themselves for who they are. They need to know that their choices and uniqueness matter and are not something to insult. They need to feel like they matter and are worth your time and energy. I have been insulted for most of my life and it has taught me that I'm never good enough. I have been beaten down emotionally so much and for so long that now I am only halfway up the ladder to true self confidence.

You may not think that I deal with these things if you know me, but trust me, this deep settled issue has been the most terrible aftershock from the abuse, neglect, and mistakes of my past. I think EMDR will help me process this trauma in a positive way so I can move on with my life. Trauma can be overcome, but it can be confusing figuring out what is a real or truthful thought and what is a false thought placed there by years of abuse. I'm ready to believe myself when I say that I am worthy. I'm ready to let go of these demons and move forward.

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