Getting Used to Feeling Safe
I don't know what to write about today. Honestly, I have felt very frustrated today. I have a good life, don't get me wrong. I'm very thankful for the things I have, considering it has taken me a very long time, a very difficult time, to get here. I have a home, a car, a job, a wonderful fiance and a few pets that I love dearly. The weird part about growing up in abuse and chaos is that when you finally, if ever, land in a place where you are safe and secure it feels weird.
I am slowly but surely getting used to being in a good place. For the first two years that me and my fiance lived together, I was very distrustful of feeling peaceful and happy in my stable home. I felt like I was supposed be doing something, anything, to move life forward. I don't think I really felt a sense of comfort until now. I have been through some things that have opened my eyes to how selfish, untruthful, and terrible people can be. Some people talk a big game but behind that game, there lies truly insecure and manipulative assholes. My fiance, my home, my pets, my self worth are what can keep me safe and secure. I can be honest and upfront with myself and my loved ones, I can feel like I am not facing life alone. This is a feeling that I'm learning to accept and hold dear to my heart.
It's easy to start taking things for granted. It is weird how so many things in life can be distorted due to a mental illness. For me, I have a hard time not seeing or thinking the worst in every situation. I start to think that other people are just out to get me, then get defensive over something that is just made up in my head. I start to take for granted that people can be good too. I start to forget that my abusers taught me how to abuse myself, and that life does not have to be a playground where I'm constantly on the defense.
I just want to be at peace. My mental illnesses and past environments have robbed me of peace for far too long. I will continue to find comfort in a peaceful and loving relationship and home. I don't want my loving relationship to be tainted by anymore of my constant insecurities about feeling secure, confusing right? I work on myself every day. I'll be working on myself until I die, but until then I'm going to try to be calm, be less frustrated, and try to make things better for myself and others around me.