• Carrie

Let's Talk About Being Tired

"I just don't have any interest in doing anything I enjoy anymore, I sleep most of the day, I can't really concentrate, I feel like the whole world is just moving around me and I'm standing still. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm crying constantly and I don't have the motivation or energy to bathe. I don't care how I look. I don't want to hang out with friends or family anymore. I feel so apathetic about everything. I've been calling out of work a lot too. Sometimes I think the world might be better if I wasn't in it. Sometimes I feel like I just want this pain to end."

If this sounds like you than you are more than likely clinically depressed (insert paid commercial funding here). Before I was properly diagnosed as being bipolar the main diagnosis was major depressive disorder. I wish I could say that I have never felt the things listed above but that would be a lie. I have felt so down that I would go to work, come home, go straight to bed and sleep until I had to go in the next day. I didn't care about taking a shower, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, or anything that showed any kind of self care. I have had times in life when I genuinely thought the world would be better without me in it. I really believed it would have made absolutely no difference if I lived or not. I drank and smoked until I felt numb. I did anything to try and bury my feelings. I even tried to self harm. I've been hospitalized in inpatient treatment facilities twice because I had thoughts and plans for suicide.

I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone because it is the most hopeless dark hell imaginable. If you do feel this way please get help. Go see a doctor, talk to someone, anyone. These symptoms are serious and can lead to tragedy if not addressed. Most importantly, depression can be treated. There are many different treatments available, typically the first line of defense being medication.

Being medicated is not easy, for any health issue. The side effects are endless and can seem worse than what the med is trying to treat. Some medications can have the opposite effect than what it is supposed to do. What kind of ironic bullshit is that? Some antidepressants can make you feel more depressed...what the hell, right? And coming from someone who has been on and off of several different psychiatric medications for most of her life, let me tell you, you have to pay attention to your mind and body. Being over medicated is definitely a fear. Medication should help you feel better not numb. They should help increase your quality of life, not bring you down.

Most of the main side effects of these types of medications is drowsiness. I have had very irresponsible and ignorant doctors put me on concoctions that turned me into a zombie. Who has a similar story? Probably a lot of you. A good psychiatrist is a blessing and I'm lucky to have an awesome one. She has helped me more than any other doctor in my life. But all the help in the world cannot change your soul being tired.

Medication, if prescribed right, can be good. Therapy is good. Exercising and meditating is good. Self care is good. Eating healthy food is good. I try to do all these things on a regular basis. However, no matter how hard you try, sometimes the monster of depression knocks down the door. In those moments...I'm not just drowsy or sleepy, my soul is tired. So to anyone whose soul is tired like It's ok to take a break from the stresses of life. It's ok to fall apart. It's ok if the only achievement of the day is brushing your teeth. The trick is to not give up or be overly hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day and being tired, with the right help, does not last forever.

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