• Carrie

That Weird Girl

I have always felt a little out of place. There have been few situations where I have truly felt accepted and comfortable. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't pertain to every situation or person I've ever met. That's a little drastic. I don't know if this feeling of being different is because of emotional abuse I've experienced or if it's just something I feel naturally. That is the tricky part about trauma and abuse. Most of the time the abuse warps your mind to believe things that are not true. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between what you've been taught to believe and what is healthy to believe. I think a lot of creative people may feel this disconnection with people, or maybe everyone does; I don't know. I do know that we all want to feel included. Accepted. Loved. So what happens whenever you don't feel those things?

Let me take you back in time to the halls of a shitty rural high school in the middle of nowhere in North Carolina. It stands proudly in the middle of the bible belt. The place to be if you like cowboy boots, country music, or rodeos. Nothing is wrong with these things...unless you don't like any of them. I was that kind of kid; I still am. I just never related with the good ol' country lifestyle. Lets say I was a little out of place (that's a damn understatement).

I struggled desperately with depression and anxiety. I was so introverted I think people thought I was super strange, until they got to know me. I dressed in the darkest and most gothic clothes I could find. I listened to heavy metal and rock and roll. I listened to music more than anything else in my life. Music was my friend, my release, my therapy and my protector. I could relate with angry music because I was fucking angry. Angry about everything in my entire life.

I felt isolated and alone. I was constantly afraid and insecure about everything. Besides music, the only other thing that held my hand through life was art. I drew and painted with reckless abandon. Was I good? I don't know. Did I care? Absolutely not. Everything became a void of self expression and relaxation when I was being creative. When I was focused on an art project nothing else in the world existed. This was amazing because what existed in my world was terrible and mean. This was the first therapy that I did that was actually helpful.

Due to my trauma, abuse, mental illness and creativity I have always, always, been that weird girl. I have been bullied for it and praised for it. I have been complimented for it and brutally insulted for it. When I got older my mania became pronounced. It would manifest in certain ways such as talking too fast and too much, having strange bouts of inhuman energy, engaging in very risky behaviors, drugs and alcohol, etc. People judged me, some easily, others harshly.

I have always been that weird girl, and you know what? I never want that to change because I have learned and grown from my mistakes. I will always be weird because I am unique. Uniqueness is a blessing and more people need to embrace their truth. I think it is the first step to healing and peace. So be that weird girl. Be that weird boy. Be that weird member of the LGBTQ community. You are not alone.

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