• Carrie

Truly Happy

I had such a wonderful feeling today that it made me really pause and take notice. I was at work, doing my normal routine of daily work chores, whenever I felt a sudden feeling of contentment and happiness come over me. It was a warm and comfortable feeling that made me stop and smile. I didn't just smile, I smiled with intention. It wasn't my job that made me feel this way, lord no, it was just a random feeling of well being. I felt so appreciative for it.

When I felt this blanket of happiness wash over me I truly paid attention. I think it is very important to catch and hold onto moments like this. Life can be so tedious and difficult, especially in the world today. But we can find comfort in our own minds, something it took me a long time to understand. Being mentally ill has robbed me from healthy self narrative for a long time. But I'm tired of the hateful thoughts. I'm sick and tired of being my own worst enemy.

I felt very cozy today. The leaves are changing, the air is getting chilly, and the days are getting shorter. Typically I'm not a fall time girl, I'm more of a spring, summer type person, but this year is different. I feel a renewed sense of happiness at seeing the season change into a beautiful and vibrant picture of warm colors. It has been such a difficult summer, the most difficult year of my life, and there hasn't been many times of smiles or happiness. But seeing nature just let go of everything it was before makes me feel like I can do the same.

Fall time reminds us that death brings new life. During this time, during a national pandemic, it is important to remember that out of the worst things comes the most beautiful growth. We have to let go and try to feel happy. Sometimes feeling happy is not a natural feeling, sometimes you have to actively let yourself feel happy. It's not easy, lord knows dealing with bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety, at times, made it seem impossible to just feel happy. But if I can smile...feel a deep sense of comfort...for just a moment...after the things I've seen and been through, trust me, so can you.

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